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Humor

 

"Paddy," said a joker, "why don't you have your ears cropped, they are entirely too long for a man?" "And yours," replied Pat, "ought to be lengthened, they are too short for an ass."

 

She said, "O, yes, I am very fond of little boys," and as a snow-ball struck the back of her neck, she added, "I feel as though I could eat a couple this minute, boiled!"

 

"Will you kindly tell me what is going on in that church?" asked a tramp of a gentleman who had just descended the steps. "They are holding a church fair." "I am very sorry." "Why are you sorry, my friend?" "Well, I was going to ask you to help me, but if you've been in there it ain't no use."

 

At a young ladies' seminary, recently, during an examination in history, one of the pupils was interrogated thus: "Mary, did Martin Luther die a natural death?" "No," was the reply, "he was excommunicated by a bull."

 

An inventor has evolved a new trap, in one end of which is a mirror. "This may do for the female rats," says an editor noted for his convivial habits, "but when a male rat notices that the bait looks double, he will think he has had enough and go home."

 

A minister was once asked how it was that he consented to the marriage of his daughter to a Presbyterian. "Well," he replied, "as far as I have ever been able to discover, Cupid never studied theology."

 

Rector's wife, severely:--"Tommy Jackson, how is it that you don't take off your hat when you meet me?" Tommy:--"Well, marm, if I take off my hat to you what be I to do when I meet the parson himself?"

 

An awkward misconstruction: Young farmer--"Are you fond of beasts, Miss Gusherton?" Miss. Gusherton--"Oh, really Mr. Pawker, if you mean this as a declaration you must speak to mamma."

 

A French lion-tamer quarreled with his wife, a powerful virago, and was chased by her all around his tent. On being sorely pressed he took refuge in the cage among the lions. "Oh, you contemptible coward!" She shouted, "come out if you dare!"

 

"Are you lost, my little fellow?" asked a gentleman of a four-year-old boy, who was crying in the street for his mother. "No, I ain't lost, but my mother is." He sobbed.

 

"What can I do to a dude who stares at me on the street?" asks a young lady in a Chicago paper. You might hit him with your glove and kill him, if you can spare a moment's time.

 

In one of the new girls' schools the inspector arrives to make an examination--"I wish to have the best informed young lady to come to the blackboard," he says solemnly. No one moves. "Then," says he gracefully, "I should like the prettiest one to come." They all stand up.

 

"No," she said, as she sipped the cream it would take his last dime to pay for--"no, I never eat cake myself, but ma says she is getting awfully hungry for a piece of my wedding-cake."

 

Mr. Smith (to Mrs. Parvenu, who has been telling him about her new house)--"I suppose you will have dumbwaiters in the house?" Mrs. P.--"No, I shan't! I had a deaf cook once, and I vowed then never to have another crippled servant."

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